“You Should Buy a Copy”

💪🏼
I set a business goal last week.
The number of books I want to sell in the first three months.
I picked a number out of thin air. I have no idea if we will reach that goal or not. 🤷🏻‍♀️
We’re just going to try.

Right after I wrote that number on a post-it note, I felt bombarded with all the things….Fear. Doubt. Worry. Insecurity.

And Guilt.
I thought, “Jason is being left out. He’ll be so sad.”

This was his dream for 25 years.
Then it became our dream.
He would speak to companies and groups, we would sell the book in the back of the room, I would create online courses that supported the principles in the book.
We had a plan. We were headed somewhere together.
Then he died.
And now I’m heading there by myself.
And he’s missing out on all of it.

I felt guilt for doing it without him.
I felt disloyal. I felt sad that he might be sad.

I’ve been working on those thoughts this week. It’s been a little rough, I admit.
I’ve cried a lot. My heart is breaking at the idea that Jason is missing out on the dream.

But then I thought about Jason’s vibrant, passionate personality and his love for us and his gift for selling things.

And I started shifting to another thought. A thought that actually seems more true and real.

What if Jason is orchestrating all of it?

Sometimes I feel almost propelled forward. 
I feel like something has a hold of my sweater. Pulling on me. At my chest.
I lean back. Resisting. Unsure. Afraid.

But then I have to move forward, bringing my fear with me. Until part of it falls away, leaving only remnants that I think I should hang on to – but I wonder if I have to.

What if it’s Jason? What if he’s the puller?

His body was broken.
Now he has endless, unfettered capacity.
What if in my limited mind I can’t even imagine the infinite possibilities of what he is really able to do?
What if he’s not missing out on a thing? Instead, he’s right in the middle of everything?
Laughing. Loving all of it.
Telling everyone up there, “We have a book coming out in just a few weeks! You should buy a copy!”
What if he’s not missing out on anything?

“Come on, Ko. We’ve got this,” he says as he pulls me gently forward.
What if? ✊🏻💙