Creeping Up One Memory at a Time

💙
You know how FB memories pop up on your feed? “Kolette, we care about you and the memories you share here” it says. Then it shows you a post you shared from a certain number of years previously.

Is it always from two years ago?
Right now it feels like it is.
Two years ago were the months leading up to the day Jason died.
So I’ve been remembering these moments through a hindsight lens.

I feel myself cringe when I see the memory pop up. Wondering what it’s going to be. How it will remind me of life “before.”
I brace myself.
My body clenches.
I don’t want to look but I have to face it.
I understand the value of allowing my emotions instead of resisting them, but it’s not my favorite.
I don’t really want to see the magical memories that FB shows me from two years ago.
Because it’s getting closer to the day.
And I think I’m afraid it will actually show the memory from May 25, 2019.
When I announced on social media that Jason unexpectedly died the day before.

The memory is coming.
They’re all coming.
I’m sure there’s a way to turn off the memory notifications. But that isn’t what I want, either.
I’m in this middle place. I don’t want to see the memories but then I really want to see them.
Those last moments of Jason here. Living life. Part of our family. Existing here.

Jason coached one last lacrosse season.
In this post we had no idea that the next memories were coming.
I wrote that he was the healthiest he’s been in years. I wrote that we were so blessed. 

That was two years ago.
We are still blessed.
But not for the same reason.
We are blessed because we know God’s Plan. We know that we will see Jason again. We will be with him and live as a family and our bodies truly will be the healthiest they have ever been. We will be perfect.
Because of Jesus Christ’s atoning sacrifice, we will be whole in all ways.

The memories keep coming.✊🏻💙