What I Should Feel By Now

💔

I’ve started having a thought I haven’t had during the 15 months since Jason died.
I hear of other widows thinking this thought, too. It’s natural and common and totally understandable.
But I’ve never really had it.
Until now.
It’s creeping in.
Unwanted – but working off of the assumption that it’s allowed. Or necessary. Or correct. Like it has a right to be in my brain.

Here it is:
It’s been 15 months.
And I’ve been thinking that maybe I should be feeling different than I do.
Like maybe the grief should be less or smaller or something.
Like maybe I should be more productive by now.
More able to think clearly by now.
More able to be a fun, active mom by now.
Instead of feeling tired. And slow. Like my mind is heavy and the world is thick around me.

I’m wondering if I should be more over it by now.

These are my thoughts.
Real. Not necessarily true.
But still real.

So, maybe I’ll just settle in with them for a bit. Give these thoughts some space.
And I’ll also try to remember that there is no timeline for grief.
There is no graduation from loss.
There is no correct version or “right way” to miss someone.

I have thoughts. They create feelings.
Feelings that are still ok to have.
Still feeling sad. Still feeling heavy. Still feeling unfocused.
All of those feelings in the middle of joy and progress and peace.
I’m feeling all of it.
Still.✊🏻💙