It’s May Again

😢
It’s May again.
Sigh.
Not a relief kind of sigh. 
More of a heavy kind of sigh.

Jason and I were hit by a driver turning left in front of us.
That was two years ago on April 26.
Four weeks later, unknown injuries from that accident led to Jason not being able to breathe.
He died May 24.

Last Monday was April 26.
The date I have named “The Beginning of the End.”
I’m working on letting that title go.
It feels true but it’s not very useful.
My coach is helping me.
But I’m not there yet.
In my mind, April 26 is still The Beginning of the End.

Five days later comes May.
And with it comes all the last moments that we didn’t know were last moments.
Passing days that we didn’t know were actually a countdown.
They were just a month called May.
Until they weren't.

Sigh.
I’m feeling things.
A little heavy. A little fragile. Sad.
Those feelings run parallel to lots of positive emotions.
Excitement when Coleman scores a goal in lacrosse.
Joy when reuniting with my high school best friend over FaceTime.
Peaceful. Confident. Curious. Intentional. Happy. Compassionate.
Don’t worry. I’m feeling all of those things still.
I just take the heaviness with me to the game. I just pack the sadness along in my pocket. I just decide it’s ok to be hopeful and still feel a little fragile right now.

I’m not setting new goals or launching new plans. On purpose.
I’m not holding myself to high expectations and to do lists in any area of my life or my business. On purpose.
I’m showing up for the things I really want to show up for. And giving myself grace when the showing up is beyond me.
I’m keeping my calendar more open so I have time to read a book or watch Top Chef or talk to a friend.
I take a rest. Every day. On purpose.

And I’m listening to this rock.
It was on my path home from church this week.
Thank you for the encouragement, amazing human who painted this rock and placed it here.
I’m listening. I will keep going. In exactly the way I want to.

Because it’s May.
And May still feels like The End.✊🏻💙