You Deserve a Break Today
I'm here sitting by the pool with the sun shining down and a pile of books loaded on my Kindle. What could be better than that for the birthday girl? I find myself settling into my vacation - physically, mentally, emotionally letting go of stresses or deadlines, lists of things to do and not enough sleep to make it happen. That gentle easing of the mind and body that happens when you have the chance to let go for a minute.Someone said to me before I left, "You deserve a good break!" After almost two years of battling back to reasonable health and some sense of normal life, that is probably true. But I find myself today thinking about that idea of getting a break and I've decided that it doesn't really describe how I feel about my vacation.After waiting for 16 years to have our little Cole, you can imagine my desire to savor every second of motherhood. That doesn't mean that I love every second of it. It simply means that I don't want to miss a thing. This is my one and only chance to watch a little person develop and to have a hand in the process. The changes and stages fascinate me as I witness someone grow before my very eyes.But that doesn't mean I don't get tired. I do. You already know this. However, I'd rather describe this week away from responsibilities as something other than "a break" from motherhood. A break seems like such a harsh word with its jagged edges and severed pieces. I'm thinking of it more as a little rest - with my heart still attached to the ones I love across an ocean of miles. I want to reach out and touch my boys with one finger, just to make sure they are still there. Still a part of me. Still my life.
When I was in the throes of recovery from my pancreatitis, I couldn't lift Cole. I also couldn't hold him near me because of the risk of elbows and knees and hands bumping my swollen belly. When I was able to start holding him, he would have to climb up onto the chair or sofa next to me. One day I was trying to put him down for a nap. He usually goes right down without any fuss but this day he exercised his independence to let me know that in bed was not where he wanted to be. As he wailed both verbally and physically in my lap, I thought I wasn't going to be able to make it through that moment. His wrestling hurt my belly and I didn't have the strength to fight the wiggles.I remember joining him as he cried, both of us with tears running down our cheeks. Him wanting anything other than a nap and me just wanting it to stop. I cried as I spoke softly to him, "Cole, please. Mommy can't do this. I need your help. Please help mommy." His 18-month-old mind didn't understand. And I wish I could say that a special miracle happened and he settled right down simply because we both needed him to. But he didn't. He kept wiggling as I kept praying and we both kept crying. Finally I had to just put him in bed and walk away. He fell asleep soon after and we both took a nap.
Motherhood is stressful. It's tiring and taxing. But even in the worst moments of my illness I have never wanted to give it up. I have never wanted to make that break from this child of my heart. But I have wanted to rest. Needed to rest. We all need to rest. From whatever fills our days - whether it's work or a spouse or children or not. We all need to take moments where we can sink into a state of peacefulness and let go of some of the stresses that make up daily life.You deserve a rest today. Or at least in the near future. I hope to return home with even more love in my heart and more strength to carry out that love. Just a little rest. Enjoy it. I'm loving mine.