Work + Grief = Now What?

👩🏻‍💻
Have you ever heard of a Cricut machine or a Silhouette personal die-cutter?

They cut out interesting quotes or cards or other craft projects on vinyl and paper and other materials - all from your own computer.

I have designed Cricut cartridges in the past.
And for the last seven years, I have created artwork for Silhouette.
I have over 5,000 designs in the Silhouette shop.

🎃Halloween and 🎄Christmas are the most lucrative time of the year for me.
People love making craft projects during the holiday season.
Jason and I discovered quickly that if I spent serious time on submitting all of my allocated number of designs during the holidays, that it would provide an added financial security for our family during the rest of the year.

I work feverishly for three months, maxing out my weekly design quota.
My efforts to be ready for the Black Friday sale is laser-focused.
Jason took care of Coleman’s needs so that I had time to work my guts out from October through December.
My computer is my constant companion as I crank out another round of witch phrases and Christmas quotes.

Until this year.
When I couldn’t face it.
The thought of being creative is beyond my mental and emotional power.
It overwhelms me.

As October began, I struggled with this dilemma.
I like my job. I’m so lucky that I work from home, with flexible part-time hours.
So, for the last seven years, I have maximized the opportunity of the holiday season.
That was the responsible thing to do.

But this year I have been wrestling with a problem.
I should work.
It’s the holidays.
The Black Friday sale is coming.
I have to maximize this time of year.
I should work.

But should I? Really?
Just because it’s what we’ve always done, do I have to do it this year?
Is it ok to choose different behavior than what I am used to choosing?
I wasn’t sure. It became an inner battle as my feelings of past efforts and sense of responsibility tangled with our current needs.

I prayed about it. Often.
I thought about it. Always.
Then I got an idea. An impression.
It was clear.
It was personal.
It was full of peace.

“It’s ok to let Jason provide right now.”

We have life insurance.
We have savings in our bank account.
We are aggressive about paying off our only debt, our mortgage.
I have built up thousands of designs in the Silhouette shop that still pay out a little bit when they are purchased.
We are prepared.
The worst possible event has actually happened.
But we are prepared.
✊🏻💙

I don’t have to work.
Just because I always have, doesn’t mean I have to now.
I can choose.
We have what we need.
I don’t have to work right now.

Peace.
That’s what I feel now.
Peace that Coleman and I are cared for.
Peace that I have choices.
Peace that I can navigate my new normal without financial pressure.
Peace that Coleman won’t have his mom stuck behind a computer for three months.
Peace so I can grieve and feel and heal.

And when the time is right, I’ll decide to go back to work.
Feeling grateful that it doesn’t have to be right now.🙏🏻