The Retreat

📱

I almost sent the text.
The one reaching out to a friend, “Want to go for a walk?”
But then I didn’t.

Not because I was afraid or doubtful.
But because sometimes I just retreat.

Most days I check off the few things on my daily To Do list:
I take a walk or go to Pilates class. I play Yahtzee with Coleman and drive him places. I listen to a podcast or two. I chat with friends on Marco Polo. I might go get my allergy shot or have a doctor appointment. I go to the grocery store. I respond to emails. I organize something. I take care of a church responsibility. I FaceTime my sister. I might do laundry or cut up vegetables. I clean out the car or have the emissions checked. I might do some writing.

All of that is a regular part of life for me.

And so are sad feelings. Grief.
Sometimes.
Maybe those feelings last a few minutes.
Maybe they come and go for an afternoon.
Maybe they swirl around the tasks and the errands and the driving to lacrosse practice.

But sometimes I just want to retreat.
The list is left for another day.
The errands aren’t necessary right then.
The schedule doesn’t have to be kept.

I often don’t push through those times.
I choose not to “soldier on.”
Sometimes I just retreat.
I can feel my heart wanting to back away. My mind turns from the task at hand.
So I follow both of them.
I go to my room.
Sit with my blanket in my favorite chair.
And read a book.
Or take a twenty minute nap.

I don’t worry about saying yes to Coleman’s request for another hour of Disney+ screen time.
Or what we’ll have for dinner. We can always order something.

And I don’t text the friend to pull me out on a walk. Even though I’m sure it would feel great to do that. And I have a list of friends who would make it happen as soon as I asked.
Sometimes I decide to just retreat.

And try again later. Or tomorrow.
I take the walk. I do the list. I accomplish the things just fine.
Tomorrow.

I’m learning that the retreat might play a role in the battle that I have never considered before.
A necessity to gather strength.
A chance to conquer through compassion toward myself.
So I retreat.
And pass the afternoon with no expectations other than to feel the feelings.

After all, there’s always tomorrow. 💙✊🏻