One Year

Dear Bishop Johnston,

It’s 6:22 am as I write this on May 24, 2020.
One year ago right now Jason’s heart was fighting to beat its last beats.

A year ago last night I packed myself a bag of supplies and drove my own car to the ER. I knew I would want my Kindle and snacks and a battery charger and stuff to pass the time.

But really, I should have just packed YOU!
You’re our church leader.
You were there when I got there.
We stood outside Jason’s ER room while doctors and nurses scrambled a bit.
I went in to see Jason.
To tell him that it would all be ok.
You gave him a priesthood blessing.

The doc said they would put a central line in. I mentioned that Jason had scar tissue that prevented getting the line unless they used Radiology.

He didn’t believe me.

A few minutes later the doctor reported that they couldn’t get a line in and they were using other methods

We looked at each other and started laughing. Did I not just tell him that???

You listened to me talk about our goals and dreams for our brand.
You told me about your favorite podcasts.
I think you were actually saying that we should do a podcast of our own! You completely believed in us.

And you never left.

I kept telling you that you could leave.
That we would be fine.
That I would check in with you in the morning.

All night long you never left.
You said that a mentor had told you that you couldn’t fix things for people but you could sit with them.
So you did.
We talked and laughed and hung out.
I texted updates to mine and Jason's parents.
We moved to the ICU.
Procedures were tried.
It never crossed my mind that Jason wouldn’t recover.

I said, “You can go.”
But you never did.

So, you were there for the alarms of the first cardiac arrest.
And the second.
You were there when I learned what had probably happened to his brain hours before because of lack of oxygen.
You were there when I made the easy decision to stop trying to save him.
And when his heart beat those last beats.

You never left.
That’s what I’m remembering this morning. In the middle of the memories of Jason fighting for his life.
You never left.✊🏻💙