How Are You Not Here?

🦸🏻‍♂️
I’ve settled into a Jason-less life.
He’s around, I know.
But not really.
He’s not physically here where I can see him and interact.
Not where we exist in our home and in life together.

Most of the time I just go throughout my day.
I remember him. We talk about him. We discuss what he would have done or said or loved about something.
We tell his old jokes. We laugh or feel heartache or cry a bit. The Jason-less life is all becoming normal.
He’s around. But not.
And I’m getting used to it.

Then I have moments where I’m stunned.
And I’m not used to it at all.
I’m actually surprised.
“How are you not here?” I ask out loud.
I really want to know.
I truly don’t know the answer.
Wait. What happened? How are you not here?

It’s strange to be used to something then totally caught off guard at the same time.
That’s where I’m at.

Stages of grief aren’t what we think they are. The originator of the Stages agreed. They get misused and misinterpreted. I understand that now.
Maybe this is “stage” and maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s familiar to your experience with grief and maybe it’s totally different.
Maybe you’ve been “used to” having your person gone but then been startled by the realization at the same time.

This is where I’m at.
Living within the Jason-less life.
But then taken by surprise that he’s not here.✊🏻💙