Believe in Growth

I'm back.  It's been almost 6 weeks but I decided that because six months or a year from now it will be hard to take time off with the excuse of "I'm taking a break...I just had a baby," I better take advantage of it now and give myself a chance to enjoy this little guy.  I knew that the big info you really wanted over the last 6 weeks was being posted on Jason's blog anyway!We had a couple of warmer days mixed in with the cold and as I looked out my home office window yesterday I saw the fruits of our labor last fall in the bulbs starting to sprout, pushing up through the ground even though there were lingering ice crystals from the snow that fell overnight.  I thought how indicative it was to be sitting there with Coleman and seeing this new growth make its way up through the soil.This is a time of growth.  Growth in the plants outside.  Growth in the size of our little family - we've increased by 33% in the last six weeks!  Growth in little Cole as he changes each day right before our eyes; learning new tricks to do with his lips and tongue, being able to focus on objects more (namely, us) going from two to four to six ounces at each feeding, needing Size 1 diapers instead of Newborn, and even showing us glimpses of his smile.But I can't help but think about my own personal growth during this time of great change, birth and rebirth.  Six weeks ago was the Friday before Coleman was born.  Although his room wasn't quite ready, I had all of his supplies and clothes ready to go.  The crib was set up and the changing table stocked with diapers and wipes and cream and whatever else I received from fabulous moms at my baby showers.  I was feeling good.  In fact, this was the photo I took for my Project 365 of Gratitude album the night before my water broke - the fire was on, snow was falling and I was relaxing reading a book.

But I still hadn't changed a diaper in about 25 years.  I still wasn't quite sure how to hold a little baby and was nervous about that.  I had read a baby reference book or two but wasn't clear on the whole "how to set up a routine" concept.  I still couldn't believe that we were going to be in charge of something that would fit into newborn-size clothes.  In short, I still had no idea how to be a mother.I also had no idea that my water was going to break and we were going to be in this thing three weeks early.   I was sort of hoping that he would even be a little late so that I could have a little more time to get my deadlines and projects done before my life completely changed.  Of course, I didn't get any say in the matter and he came when he was ready!  Now I can't imagine life without him for those extra three weeks - we are so lucky to have him exactly when he came.I remember that morning, January 26, packing my suitcase to take to the hospital after my water broke.  There was a moment as I folded some clothes for both Coleman and I when I paused and had a feeling of peace come over me.  Although I hadn't felt prepared up until that point, at that moment I knew that we were going to be all right.  The feeling even moved me to say out loud, "I'm ready.  I can do this," my own voice becoming reassurance and hope for the future.And amazingly enough, 24 hours later I realized that I was right.  I had never believed those who had told me that I would just know what to do with my own child.  I didn't think it was possible that a person could magically feel comfortable caring for a tiny baby when they never had before.  But it's true.  It is magical.  Something happens that turns you into a mother in an instant - a mother both in the physical sense that you actually have a child to care for but a mother also in the sense that you have instincts and confidence and natural care that emerges.It's like I became a new person in an instant.  I still wasn't sure exactly how to do anything - I used the nurses as a great resource in the hospital and I ask questions to any mom who comes to visit or calls!  But suddenly I wasn't afraid to hold such a tiny little person.  Suddenly I knew how to do it.  My love for this little guy, that I had only just met, was overwhelming and exhilarating at the same time.I don't know how it is for anyone else, but I've decided that motherhood is another one of my quests for education that I am pursuing.  I will never graduate.  My course work will never be completed.  But the same thing is happening to me that has happened whenever I pursue another degree.  Growth.  But since this could very well be the greatest classroom of my life, I am well aware that my growth will extend beyond just intellectual stimulation.  My growth as a mother is physical, intellectual, spiritual and emotional.

This will be the most challenging yet fabulous education I will ever receive and I intend to savor it - the good, the bad and the ugly - which is exactly why you haven't heard from me on my blog for the last 5 1/2 weeks.  I am savoring these moments of struggles, growth, great change, intense learning, tiredness, lots of laughter and deep joy.I believe in growth - growth that shows itself in our bulbs making their way to the surface, growth in a tiny baby changing and developing in the blink of an eye and growth in our own personal spirits.  It's that particular growth that has amazed me the most over the last six weeks.Thanks for checking in on us and being patient till I decided to come back.  Here's one of those first smiles that are starting to make their way into our lives - I can't believe we caught it on film!