The stories in my head are powerful.
But they’re just that. Stories.
Thoughts.
Stuff I think is true but sometimes isn’t.

Like when I was at Home Depot on the last day of remote learning. I realized that Coleman forgot to get on his LAST class Zoom call that morning. We even talked about it beforehand!
He missed out on seeing his friends and teacher.
He missed that final connection.
I got to my car and burst out crying.
I’m a terrible mother.

That’s the story I created in my head.
The non-truth that feels so true.

At 4:00 am, every morning since Jason died, I wake up.
My mind starts the churning process. I work to relax and go back to sleep.

Worries mix in with perceived problems and fall over negative emotions. I feel stress rise inside my half-awake, half-asleep body. Whatever is happening in my life becomes an anxiety-filled situation in my head.

It feels very real. But is it?
I do better when, in that foggy, sleepy state, I muster up the ability to remind myself, “This will feel better in the light of day. Just rest.”

The cycle looks something like this...

⚪️ Real Life Situation: I’m having some cabinets in Jason’s office repainted.
🌙 4 am Story: Stop everything! I made a mistake! I’ve ruined Jason’s space! Can I fix it in time????
Light of Day Story: The cabinets look great. I like sharing Jason’s space. I’m glad I did this.

⚪️ Real Life Situation: The one-year anniversary of Jason’s death was this week.
4 am Story: I’m doing it wrong. I can’t breathe. It’s too much. I’m doing this all wrong. Help me.
Light of Day Story: It’s not awesome but we can do this. We have help. Breathe. Take a break today. It’s ok. You’re good at this. I love you.

Stories.
My thoughts fuel my emotions about my life. I’m working on being more aware of the stories I’m telling myself.
They’re just stories.And I have power to rewrite them if they aren’t serving me.

It’s a slow journey.
Learning to take charge as my own story writer.
But the story I’m telling myself is that it’s possible.

And missing that final Zoom call is fine.
Coleman is fine.
It’s all going to be just fine.