💙

I was sitting at my desk.
I sit there a lot these days.
Coaching sessions on Zoom, book editing, lots of writing, designing stuff for church or my sister, watching video classes, all of it.
I actually really enjoy my remodeled office and new desk and cool office chair. 
I find myself sitting there often.
In my spot.
That used to be Jason’s spot.

I turned and looked at his “The One and Only” dad collage on the wall.
Six rows of seven photos.
42 pictures of the best dad in the history of the world.

And I’m surprised again.
It’s like a “whoosh” that travels from my heart down to the bottom of my stomach.

Oh wait. I remember.
Heaviness settles deeper in my body. A longing that I know will never be completely resolved.
He’s still not here.
He’s never coming back.

How can that be? I wonder.
And my mind goes through the process of finding the answer.
That’s right, I remind myself.
That’s how death works.
He’s not coming back.

I’m still surprised that this is sometimes a surprise.

✊🏻💙