🏈
We’ve had the same BYU football season ticket seats since we were students.
Almost thirty years.

We kept them even when we lived across the country.
We kept them even when Jason was in the hospital for months.
Even when ESPN took over and we went to 8:15 pm start times.
Even when the team was wracked by injuries.
Even when we lost most games.
Even when we won.

We’ve watched four head coaches on the sidelines, starting with LaVell Edwards.
We were students when Ty Detmer won the Heisman.
We’ve seen conference championships, bowl games, and crushing upsets.
We sang the Cougar Fight Song hundreds of times.
The Cougar mascot was our obsession. We loved watching his dance moves, his acrobatics. We relished the photo ops. 
We had shirts for every game-day color.
We got to the game early to see warm ups and make sure we were there for kickoff.

After Jason died, the first home game of the season was the first time I’d been to a BYU football game without him in twenty-seven years.

That day’s “first” ranks near the top of one of the hardest that I think I’ll face.
First game of the season.
First season without Jason.

I felt it when the season tickets Jason ordered arrived in the mail.
I felt it when I put the game schedule in my phone.
I felt it when I bought the same flag for Jason’s grave that he had bought for our yard.
I felt it when I made spirit signs for his grave on rivalry game day.
I felt it when Coleman and I took a picture at the cemetery, because we always take a family picture on game day.
I felt it when I looked at Jason’s last three van license plates attached to our garage wall: Cougs, Cougrs, Cougrs.

I’ve been feeling it for a few days.
I’m feeling it right now.

Jason is loyal.
Jason is strong.
Jason is true.
In life and as a BYU superfan.

My mom called him after every football or basketball game because she knew he would talk to her about it.
I’ll miss that.

He and Coleman rode around the stadium scoping out the best food.
I ‘ll miss that.

He always had to buy the new BYU hat or sweatshirt or golf shirt every season.
I’ll miss that.

He knew the players to watch and what their stories were. I ‘m frantically looking @byufootball on Instagram and searching on Google to try to learn what he knew.
I’ll miss that.

He was always optimistic about our chances for a win, even when everyone else saw no hope.
I’ll miss that.

On our first game day without Jason, we went down to Provo early so we could experience it all. My mom got our extra ticket.

I cried when the team came running out onto the field. The band played the fight song. The crowd went wild.
I missed Jason.
But I wouldn’t have missed being in our spot that night.

I’m hanging on to those football tickets.✊🏼💙