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We played on the sand dunes in Michigan this week.

We navigated our RZR dune buggies through trees.
We stared over the steep backside of Test Hill and headed straight down.
We did donuts in the bowls.
I made it up the big hills - until one was a little too steep and the sand a little too soft and we had to get pushed out!😂
Two hours of driving on the dunes.
It was fast. It was bumpy. The engine was loud and the sand stuck to our skin.

Coleman and I can do fun stuff like that now.
Without ditching Jason.
He did a lot while being a quadriplegic.
⛷He skied the Park City mountains with adaptive equipment.
🚙He drove a van from his wheelchair using hand controls attached to the steering wheel.
🚁He was lifted into a helicopter as I kept him propped up beside me.
🏎He rode shotgun in Derek Wolthoff’s racecar at the Miller Speedway.

But he would not have been able to do the dunes.
He had no torso muscles. Even strapped in, his body would have bounced mercilessly, jarring his neck. He wouldn’t have liked that.

For almost three decades people went and did cool stuff. Jason couldn’t go.
I wouldn’t participate either.
Simply because I didn’t want to ditch Jason.
I said it was “totally fine” but then had conflicting feelings.
Irritation, disappointment and even some resentment that we couldn’t go.
Then disloyalty and a little guilt that I felt those things.

Now Coleman and I do the cool stuff.
Landing the biggest fish on the boat.
Jet skis with cousins.
Monkey-in-the-Middle in the lake.
Hopping in any car.
Going anywhere we want.
And I like it.

But funny enough, there’s a wave of disloyalty that still rises up.
Because I feel excited that we can finally participate. I’m relieved that we don’t have a 500-pound wheelchair in our way.
It kind of feels disloyal to think that.

Feelings can be difficult to sort out.
They’re messy and unreasonable and  sometimes at war. 

But I’ve decided something this week.
Something big.
I’ve decided that it’s not disloyal to be glad we can do cool stuff.
And I’m setting down the enticing false-shimmer of guilt that tags along when we do things that Jason couldn’t do. Letting it go.

I think Jason would want me to have fun driving the RZR. And he’d be proud that I kept up with our nephews while doing it!✊🏻💙