😴

When Coleman was a newborn I set up the Pack ‘n Play.
We tried having him in our room but I couldn’t sleep with the baby noises going on.
We moved it to the family room instead. Halfway between our room and his. We liked having him closer to us.
Eventually Coleman moved into the crib in his own room.

The night that Jason died Coleman went to sleep in his bed. It was just like any other night.
The next morning, Jason’s medical aide was sleeping on the floor in the family room and Jason and I were gone.
Coleman called me at the hospital 30 minutes after his dad had died unexpectedly.

Coleman is still sleeping in my bed.
It started the day after Jason died and I thought it would last for a few months.
Then I decided liked it. I liked having him nearby instead of across the house.

He likes it, too.
The other day we were talking about him someday moving back to his own bed.
Matter of factly, he said, “I just don’t want to wake up again to something bad.”

“Yeah. That was the worst,” I said. I told him he can stay in my bed.

There will come a time when Coleman is ready to sleep in his own bed.
He might get there on his own. The thoughts and fears that hover quietly in the back of his mind might gradually move on.
Or he might need some help setting those fears down.

I told him that if he ever feels like he wants to let those thoughts go but isn’t sure how to do it…we have Will, my therapist. He can help.
Coleman likes Will. So, that’s a good resource.

In the meantime, we happily treat every night as a slumber party.
We watch movies in bed while Coleman does the NESTEA Plunge.
His Squishmallows cover Jason’s side of the room.
Pillows divide the bed down the middle to keep him out of my space.
He chats nonstop while I turn off the light and repeat, “Ok, goodnight. Ok, go to sleep. Ok, no more talking.”

His hand creeps under that middle pillow to find mine. I hear his breathing settle only a few minutes later.

I’ve been remembering that Pack ‘n Play in the family room.
The need we had to keep him close.

I guess we still need it.💙✊🏻