🥍
The first day of school and first lacrosse practice without Jason was my hardest day so far.

I wondered how the first actual lacrosse game would go.

They put stickers of Coleman’s number “44” on their helmets in honor of Jason.
Coleman has a great coach who was Jason’s assistant.
He has teammates who he has played with before.
They do the same cheer that Jason did.
Many things are similar.

But Coleman is in fifth grade now.
They play on a larger field.
With more players at a time.
It’s different.

And that was good.
Not trying to recreate the past was good.
Have new tweaks on the future was good.

I wore Jason’s hat.
Sat in my normal spot.
Checked the roster constantly to be able to cheer for our players by name.
And chatted with a friend the whole time.

Instead of just staring across the field at what was now missing.

That was good.
I felt Jason.
Lately, my emotions have been buzzing around me like a Jason cloud.
Very close. Very potent. Very deep.

I don’t mind it. I like it, to be honest.
I like feeling.
I like remembering.

But I wasn’t sure where that feeling would take me while I sat on the edge of the field at the halfway line yesterday.

They took me to exactly the right place.
Feeling Jason near me but being able to enjoy the game.
Watching our son work his guts out - because he has his dad’s passion for things.
Seeing Coleman excited afterward - because it was so fun to play even though they lost.

It was different. But the same.
It was good.
🥍💙✊🏻