🥳
Coleman turned 11 this week.
He was so pumped that he woke me up at 3:32 am and 5:06 am.
I made him go back to sleep both times.😴

That morning I bought donuts for his class, 🏃🏻‍♀️walked a few thousand steps and listened to the “Don’t Miss This Study” podcast.

The podcast talked about a certain scriptural family who had to journey through the wilderness. It was hard. But they were led by the Lord to “fertile parts” of the wilderness. The places of growth and vegetation and life-sustaining water.

I thought about my wilderness called grief.
Then I also thought about the fertile parts. The blessings, the things of gratitude, the times I rest in the shade of love and compassion. The life-sustaining knowledge of God’s Plan.

With all of that tumbling around in my head, my friend Patty texted me, “I ❤️ Jody Moore’s thought on IG today!: “I was made for this!’”

I added this phrase to my thoughts of “fertile parts.”
Was I made for this?
This heartache? This grief? This burden? This wilderness?
Yes, actually I think I was.
I don’t like that Jason isn’t here. Not even a little. But I definitely believe that “I was made for this.”

I felt peaceful that morning. I had hope. There was light.
I had a birthday lunch at the school with Coleman and those thoughts stayed tucked in my brain, moving around each other in a soothing, quiet way.

Then something happened.
I was standing in the kitchen when I felt a sudden wave of melancholy. 
Almost like a cloud from a fog machine came rolling into my mind.
It filled my thoughts. Covered my heart in an instant.

“Oh,” I thought, “here comes grief again.”
I went straight for the donuts.🍩🍩
(Because that particular buffer seems to be a go-to these days).
I suddenly felt exhausted and took a nap.

But when I woke up, a thought came to my mind, “That wasn’t grief.”

“Wasn’t grief?” I wondered.
And in an instant, I knew that was true.

That experience was different than how I often feel grief.
The cloudiness. The confusion. The darkness. It wasn’t the same.
I pondered it the rest of the day.
I began to wonder.

What if I continued on the thought path that had begun that morning?
What if I fed those flames of hopefulness?
What if I remembered to be grateful for the “fertile parts” of this grief-filled wilderness?
What if I truly believed that “I was made for this?”

What if I kept doing all that?
What would happen then?

Or what if those thoughts could be drowned out by the adversary?
What if they could be pushed aside and covered up and clouded over with sadness and discouragement and despair?
What if negative influences won?
What then?

Then maybe I wouldn’t be able to feel peace.
Maybe I wouldn’t be able to see light.
Maybe I wouldn’t be able to give back.
And maybe...no, probably...I would give up.

I still feel grief every day.
Heartache lives beside me. Loss is my companion.
But I do feel hope, too.
I do feel gratitude.
I do believe I was prepared for this.

I know what those cloudy thoughts were.
But I stand by my knowledge that every wilderness contains fertile parts. Places of nourishment and rest and strength.
I know I can be led to them even in the middle of navigating this grief.

Those clouds of negativity will not win.
The adversary will not prevail.
“I was made for this.”
And Coleman was, too.

Happy Birthday, Coleman J!🤩