Kolette Hall

View Original

Clean Grief

šŸ˜¢ā˜ŗļø
I love clean grief.
I love feeling sad about Jason being gone.
I love feeling angry thatā€™s heā€™s gone.
I love feeling alone.
I love the tears.
I love remembering.
Itā€™s leaves me feeling cleansed. Empty and full at the same time. 
I have grown to love it even though itā€™s hard.

But Iā€™ve been stuck in something different over the last four months.
Messier. Muddier. Foggier.
I slapped the label ā€œgriefā€ onto it and suffered. 
Itā€™s just a new kind of grief, I thought. I different type of grief, I wrote.

Then my coach and my sis offered me two variations of this idea.
Maybe there was more than grief going on here. Maybe I was layering on other emotions. Emotions that donā€™t feel so clean. Emotions that arenā€™t as helpful to me as grief is.

I opened my mind to this idea.
I opened my heart.
It rang true a little bit. But I wasnā€™t exactly sure how.
I removed my label called ā€œgriefā€ and started picking through the thoughts and feelings underneath it.

I feel sad about Jason not being here. But there was more in there.
I felt disloyal because I am building a self-help business without him.
I felt insecure because maybe I wasnā€™t doing it right.
I felt judgment because maybe I shouldnā€™t be successful with him gone.
I felt guilty because maybe I shouldnā€™t like my life if he isnā€™t in it.

Those feelings layered onto my grief.
Messed with it.
Dirtied it up.
Like when you walk into a lake and stir up the dirt. The water gets cloudy. Murky. 

I felt confused and lonely and small.
Guilty, insecure and disloyal.
Along with the sad.
Dirty grief.
Thatā€™s what I was feeling.

Since this realization, Iā€™ve been looking at each feeling and deciding how useful it is to me.
Iā€™ve been letting go of thoughts that felt true but really arenā€™t.
Sifting.
Letting the dirt settle.
Letting it go.

Two days later I felt some grief.
It came on quickly.
Iā€™m used to that.
I cried tears.
But it felt different.
Like before. Clean.
Unsullied by judgment and guilt.

I leaned my head back in relief.
Yes! There it is again!
Clean grief!
Iā€™ve been waiting for you for four months, friend. 
Welcome back.
I love you.šŸ’™āœŠšŸ»